3 Patriotic NES Games to Light Your Fireworks
Happy Freedom Day, everyone!
Stick a feather in your cap, adjust your powdered wig, and throw some hot dogs on ye olde barbecue. It’s time to celebrate America’s anniversary the best way I know how: by highlighting NES games that stand for freedom, fighting, and fighting for freedom.
OPERATION SECRET STORM
Even in the realm of video games, Saddam Hussein was a threat to the world. Or at least developers Color Dream thought as much when they made him the antagonist to the 1992 unlicensed Operation Secret Storm (not at all related to actual operations during the Gulf War, how dare you suggest otherwise).
You control CIA agent George B. in an unwieldy world filled with magic carpets, nude terrorists, and other vaguely insulting inferences. Despite being a CIA agent, G. Bush doesn’t have a gun, so he’ll have to stop Saddam’s onslaught with his kicks, knife, and occasional rhetoric (“be more like the Waltons, and less like the Simpsons!”). The game barely functions, and that’s not hyperbole. The enemies and ol’ Georgy B. himself don’t move properly, they float and fly all across the screen, like they’ve just ingested a bunch of mescaline.
It’s a scene, man. A bad scene, a scene you don’t want anything to do with. Like when someone you thought was a friend asks you to get high with them in some pitch-black bathroom stall, but really, they just want to play Operation Secret Storm with you in the dark. Just walk away.
BUT HOW PATRIOTIC IS IT REALLY?: What’s more patriotic than assassinating a dictator of a foreign country and his cronies?
No guns, though. That’s points off.
BAD DUDES
When General Duke Nukem tells you the President has been kidnapped by ninjas, then asks if you, Billy, and your friend Striker are bad enough dudes to rescue him, if your answer is anything but “sir, yes sir,” you are a communist.
Bad Dudes is a generic beat-em-up game, which means, unfortunately, no guns here either. It is what you’d expect. Rambling fisticuffs in the streets. The game is put together slightly better than Operation Secret Storm in that, Bad Dudes is a game you can physically complete, should you desire. Also, points to General Duke for bypassing the US military altogether and believing in two lowly street warriors’ abilities to vanquish evil ninjas and rescue the President.
As with most beat-em-ups, Bad Dudes is best enjoyed with a friend by your side. The ninjas come hard and fast and you’ll want your dude Striker’s assistance.
BUT HOW PATRIOTIC IS IT REALLY?: Once you rescue President Bush (President Reagan in the arcade version), he’s grateful and invites you to have a burger with him before laughing maniacally. The end credits feature you and the President standing in front of the White House, burgers in hand, grinning like it’s the end of your favorite sitcom, while bureaucrats with no faces loom in the background. The 80s were a different time.
RACE AMERICA
The word “America” is in the title, so we’re off to a good start here. And Race America delivers what it promises. Pick from one of eight moderately offensive caricatures (Mike Linguini and Ito Speedo? Lord help us), get in a fast car, shut up and drive. You start the race in Boston, then to New York, Washington D.C. and so on, until you reach Los Angeles. This is a 1-on-1 race, and while there is the occasional motorbike or hapless motorist in your way, you and your rival are the only freedom-loving, fast-driving yahoos on the great American highways.
The racing is serviceable (mind the potholes, collect the gas cans, etc). The graphics are low-budget and terrible, particularly for 1992. And the tracks all largely feel the same, despite each track being in different parts of the country. But if you’re in the mood for some zone-out, flag-wavin’, boot-scootin’ boogie across the Best Country in the World, Race America is definitely a game you could play.
BUT HOW PATRIOTIC IS IT REALLY?: Putting your muscle car in sixth gear while you race from the birthplace of the American Revolution all the way to Babylon is almost as American as cooling an apple pie on a window sill.
Have any favorite patriotic games on the NES or otherwise? I’d love to hear about them in the comments below!
Funny stuff. I wasn't familiar with Operation Secret Storm. I have to think that Desert Storm was the last (only?) American war that invited these sorts of cash grabs. The war was a quick and overwhelming victory, with lots of explosions, all there to watch live on TV. I don't think my dad turned CNN off for 3 months. So selling Gulf War merch maybe didn't feel that much odder than printing "Super Bowl Champs" T-shirts.
But then again, the game apparently came out in 1992. Desert Storm concluded in February 1991. Color Dreams can't even do cash grabs right. And since this game could probably have been put together over a long weekend, I have to think someone just procrastinated.
When I think patriotic NES games, I'm thinking Super Dodge Ball. A game I loved and owned as a kid and must have played through countless times (how long does it take, 30 minutes?) Your first match is oddly also against America -- I guess it's a qualification round? But the end boss IS the Soviets, and back in the 80s, beating the Soviets was the only thing more patriotic than celebrating America. And what better way to beat them than TO DEATH, with a vinyl ball?