Every Sony Console/Handheld Ranked Worst-to-Best: Part 2

The Final Countdown

You are cordially invited to read Part 1 first, lest you fall and lose your footing.

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#4 – PLAYSTATION 3

I used a PlayStation 3 consistently for nearly eleven years straight. That’s crazy.

As much as I love Nintendo’s consoles, in particular the SNES, Gamecube, Wii U, etc. I played them primarily when they were new for about four or five years. Once their day in the sun was complete, I set them aside for the Next Big Thing.

Initially, I viewed the PS3 solely as a gaming console. I got the fat 40GB model back around Christmas of 2007 with the intent of consuming Metal Gear Solid 4 with all my being when it released in 2008. The first Uncharted had just come out, so I picked that up to tide me over. Otherwise, the PS3 didn’t have much that was worth playing.

Was anyone else confused when they turned on the PS3 and saw the Cross Media Bar or “XMB” for the first time? This long stretch of options that didn’t even seem relevant, especially in 2007. Up until that point, consoles were very straightforward. You put in a disk, the game booted up, you were happy (unless the game was awful, then you were sad/disappointed/furious). The PS2, Xbox, and GameCube had options to check the memory card or adjust some minor console settings, but that was about it.

The PS3 broke the mold, for better and worse. The PlayStation Network let you play games against or with people online for free (“free” anything is officially retro now). You could upload images, music or videos. Eventually, you’d be able to stream videos and movies through Netflix, Amazon Prime, and YouTube. Out of the plethora of XMB options, “Game” was only one, and it was in the middle of the bar, not at the beginning. Sony’s point was clear: the PlayStation was no longer a gaming device, but a media machine.

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Lair was supposed to get the PS3 out of its no-game rut. Spoilers: it did not.

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Not that I cared much initially. I ignored most of the XMB and played games. I got into the Lego series: Lego Star Wars, Lego Batman, Lego Indiana Jones, and so on, all fifty million of ‘em. Metal Gear Solid 4 was a disappointment, but old man Snake looked awesome smoking cigarettes on the loading screen. Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion was my first open-world game ever, and it blew my mind. I loved exploring, going nowhere for no reason, running into bears, goblins, and other vicious hounds. The lockpicking system is brilliant, one of the best of its kind. HD remasters became a thing during the PS3 era, and I played the original God of War PS2 games, along with Ico and Shadow of the Colossus.

In 2012, my fat PS3 died, the yellow blinking light of death interrupting my game of Resident Evil 5. This wasn’t the first time I’d had a system die on me, but it was still a $300 blow.

Later in 2012, however, a good friend got us a new Super Slim PS3 model for Christmas. While I would use it to play games here and there (XCOM: Enemy Unknown and Just Cause 2 among the most memorable), this particular PS3 became our entertainment device we used for streaming and watching Blu-rays. Super Slim gave us six good years and thousands of hours of streaming and play before it too bit the bullet in late 2018.

So yeah, lots of history with the PS3. To me, it feels like Sony’s transitionary console, away from SD into HD, away from straightforward gaming consoles into mini-PCs. The game library doesn’t compare, in my opinion, with the Sony consoles I have yet to mention, but I can’t deny that the PS3 is a workhorse, born and bred out of ambition and hubris, if not always excellence.

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#3 - PLAYSTATION

The original PlayStation ushered in the awkward teenage years of the gaming industry. Teaching polygonal forms how to move properly within both confined spaces and wide-open plains. The games looked strange then and they look downright otherworldly now. Those characters we’re controlling aren’t people, but rather monsters in the shape of people, killing monsters in the shape of monsters. Soundtracks were often moody ambient landscapes or filled with songs we heard on alternative radio. Legitimate film scores prevailed in RPGs. For better and for worse, the 2D gaming landscape, so normal and so beloved mere months before the PlayStation’s release, quickly became second-rate, passe, the past, man, get on the 3D train and start driving. Who cares that the wheels are squares, not circles, it’s the future, don’t question progress.

The PlayStation passed me by for the bulk of its existence. From 1996-2000, I was stuck with the Nintendo 64, pretending I was having more fun than I actually was (a bad sign for Nintendo, given that the console’s motto was “The Fun Machine”).

Once I got the PlayStation in 2000, the PS2 was almost out or out already, I can’t remember. PS1 games were dirt cheap then, and they were already really affordable compared to N64 cartridges. I snagged Parappa the Rapper and Silent Hill for $30 total. Chrono Cross came soon after, another $20 steal. If I recall correctly, the PS1 I got came with Gran Turismo 2 and maybe one other game that escapes me. Without trying very hard, in the span of a couple months, I was already building a solid collection.

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Never did snag a copy of Pepsiman, though. Shame.

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I played as much as I could on the PS1 in 2000 and 2001, but I was already looking forward – to the GameCube, to the PS2 (which had backwards compatibility), maybe the Xbox. I never played more than a dozen or so games on the original PlayStation, but I loved them all, even the janky ones. Especially the janky ones. If you don’t like jank in your early 3D games, then retro gaming might not be for you, friend.

Today, the bad and the good games blend together. Sure, some are worse than others. Some have completely broken camera angles, busted controls, appalling graphics and sound bites – but today, nearly thirty years later, I find all of this endearing. The game developers of yesteryear were discovering, on the fly, how to make 3D games work and function properly. Their experiments remain fascinating.

Out of all of Sony’s consoles, the PS1 remains the most mysterious. It was the most successful console of all time during its ten-year-run, and yet, the nostalgia for it seems minimal, particularly when compared to any Nintendo console. Certain games here and there get remembered and celebrated, games like Final Fantasy VII, the Crash Bandicoot trilogy, etc. but by and large, people tend to write off the bulk of the library. The games are ugly and awkward, true, but they still have much to teach. We should look towards these old alien games for new inspiration rather than reject them outright.

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#2 – PLAYSTATION 4

For a console that doesn’t have a personality, I sure do love the PlayStation 4. Not for any specific PS4-exclusive game, per say (although Spiderman was pretty great), but for the overwhelming amount of retro game compilations and re-masters.

In my “10 Retro Gaming Compilations You Should Own” article from April, 9 out of the 10 compilations I listed are available on PS4. Ones I didn’t include in that piece: Castlevania Anniversary Collection, Contra Anniversary Collection, Capcom Arcade Stadium Vol. 1 and 2, all the numerous Mega Man collections like X and Battle Network, Pac-Man Museum+, and Hamster’s extensive Arcade Archives series that features hundreds of old arcade games.

Yes, you can play most, if not all of these games on PC, Switch, Xbox, etc, so why play them on the PS4? You don’t have to. Play them on your console of choice. I just happen to like trophies. I like re-playing old games and getting trophies when I beat the games or jump on a character’s head or spin right round, baby right round, whatever they might want me to do. Trophies mean nothing, they’re stupid, but I get a little dopamine hit when I hear them pop up, so I always want more.

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They’re rugged and manly, but can they stop Dr. Wily a thousand times without getting tired?

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If you want to play old games on the go, and you don’t care about trophies, get a Switch.

As for the PlayStation 4 itself, it’s a more streamlined, easier-to-use, more successful version of the PlayStation 3. The ultra-powerful Cell processor that frustrated developers is gone. The XMB is more customizable, you can tailor it to your liking; goodbye “Music” and “Party” options, I’ll never use you. The “Game” option is gone, but in its place, individual games you’ve been playing are right there on the main menu, ready to go.

I’m as surprised as you are that the PS4 is at #2 on this list, but when I look back on the last six years of gaming, I can’t deny that I’ve really enjoyed my time with the console. The PS4 is a somewhat modern way for me to play old retro games, and that suits me fine.

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#1 – PLAYSTATION 2

The Playstation 2 is one of the greatest consoles of all time, of that, there can be no debate. The console has every type of game you could ever want to play, and a ton of them, over 4,000 in total. Action, Adventure, Sports, JRPGs, Strategy, First-Person Shooters, MMOs, and my personal favorite, Weird Japanese Titles that, Against All Odds, Still Got Localized. Games like Chulip, Mr. Mosquito, and Gitaroo Man, low-budget titles with an abundance of spirit and strange realities.

The PS2 also had about a thousand versions of Dance Dance Revolution, and my wife and I (when we were still dating) used to play the crap out of them. She had a dance mat, a good strong one, and we danced and sweated, like fools in love. In love with each other, of course, but also the PS2, the console that brought us together through repetitive movements and electro jams.

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So fresh.

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Survival horror thrived on the PS2, and I drank in all the spooks I could handle. This is not a good thing, I do not recommend drinking in fear now, but I can’t deny the impact these games had on me as an impressionable, naïve youth. Silent Hill 2, 3, 4, and Origins, along with the Fatal Frame trilogy, Clock Tower 3, Siren, and others warranted all-night play sessions with me and my friends.

Shoot, you could play DVDs on the PS2. You didn’t have to buy a separate $200 player, just buy the PS2, play DVDs, play games, consume much, be happy.

Backwards compatibility with the PS1 was another welcome feature. If you bought a PS2, there’s a chance you also had a PS1 with a solid library of games. And if you didn’t own a PS1, the latter’s games were dirt cheap after the PS2’s release, so you probably picked a few up anyway. Like having two game libraries for one console.

Owning a PlayStation 2 is like having access to realms and dimensions without end. Just when you think you’ve explored all that the console has to offer, you find some random game you’ve never heard of, appearing mysteriously out of the ether. Maybe it’s a dating sim, maybe it’s an acid-trip children’s pile, or maybe, if you’re lucky, it’s some low print-run, morally ambiguous Atlus game that sells for hundreds of dollars used. Whatever unknown title you happen to find, your instincts are correct, it’s probably garbage. But why not give it a try, anyway? It’s a time capsule from when Sony ruled the earth.

Play it now, it calls to you, you can’t refuse. If your PS2 still works, you got nothing to lose.

*images courtesy of CNET, Reddit, Wikipedia, Amazon, PlayStation Gear, and Neoseeker