Here's Some Weird Video Game Crap That No One Asked For

Bulky controllers, salacious memory cards, and a canceled ad.

Video Game Ephemera is an occasional series where we discuss random video game merchandise, advertisements, and other miscellaneous knickknacks.

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“DOMESTIC VIOLENCE” – AD FOR VIRTUA FIGHTER ON 32X

“The edgier, the better” was the ethos behind most video game magazine ads of the 1990s. Sega of America started it with some truly irreverent placements for the Genesis and Game Gear that I won’t link to here. Nintendo of America quickly followed with their “Play It Loud!” campaign in the mid-90s. The latter was hilarious. Nobody believed Nintendo was edgy. They could pretend that Kirby was a criminal all they liked, he still looked adorable.

Yes, Sega was the once and forever crass king, as evidenced by this Virtua Fighter ad for the 32X. What are they trying to say here? “Domestic Violence.” A statement, not a question. We see little Jimmy and his presumably pipe-smoking father, Bill, solve their differences with controllers rather than fists. Did Virtua Fighter end the days of Jimmy cutting switches? Did endless bouts with Jimmy replace the always-full tumbler of scotch next to Bill? Maybe the game took away Bill’s nightmares and PTSD from the war, who knows.

This is a disturbing ad, but it works, it gets your attention. The Norman Rockwell ‘50s Americana mixed in with the out-of-place 1990s console tower. Jimmy smiling for approval from his father. It’s sinister. “Domestic Violence.” Play Virtua Fighter, bring peace to your home or something. But only if you have a 32X, the Genesis add-on that no one bought.

Sega’s slogan is pretty good too, “The Game is Never Over.” You have to believe it, though. Jimmy’s a kid, he’s young and resilient. He’ll be alright, even if he needs to run away from home after high school. Bill’s scarred and war-torn, unsure that life will ever be the same again. Could he believe such a truism, even if he wanted to?

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LARA CROFT MEMORY CARD, SOLD IN CONJUNCTION WITH TOMB RAIDER III

This memory card exists for one reason, and we all know what it is. Do I need to spell it out for you? Lara’s gonna save your game. She’s not just raiding tombs and looking hot anymore, she’s looking hot and making sure your games are gonna be alright. That’s a good caretaker for you.

Alright, forget that. Teenage boys bought this card. They didn’t need to, but they did. It’s shameful, really. Plenty of other mammary-less memory cards out there. No need to make things weird, gentlemen. But that’s how it goes. You’re young and you can’t help yourself, or you feel like you can’t. It’s frustrating. You didn’t ask to have all this energy within you, nowhere to put it. Your grandparents married when they were 15, and they’re still goin’ 60 years later. Maybe that’s the answer. College beckons, though, and all sorts of poor decisions present themselves before you. Everybody’s making them, so why can’t you? You feel like you’re gonna explode, so you buy a Lara Croft memory card. She saves your games and keeps you from making even bigger mistakes. Sometimes.

This memory card was released for the PS1 only, and according to the box, contained fifteen blocks of memory. No Tomb Raider games ever appeared on the N64, presumably because no developer wanted to figure out how to cram them into a cartridge. The PS1 received five Tomb Raider titles, and according to critics of the time, the series peaked with Tomb Raider II. Consumers bought the hell out of these games, though, particularly in Europe where Lara was even more popular.

You can find plenty of these Lara Croft memory cards on eBay for relatively cheap, which means there’s a good deal of inventory floating around out there. Which means a lot of young men bought this card. Hope she did right by you, boys, but simultaneously, I hope you did right by her. No need to make things weird.

*image courtesy of PowerUpGaming.ca

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SEGA SPORTS PAD, SEGA MASTER SYSTEM

The Sega Sports Pad might be the world’s loneliest trackball controller, and that’s saying something. The beast is only compatible with three Master System games, Great Ice Hockey, Sports Pad Football, and Sports Pad Soccer.

You don’t want to play any of these games, with the Sports Pad or without. Sports Pad Football and Sports Pad Soccer are terrible repackaged versions of previously released Master System games, just with Sports Pad support added. Great Ice Hockey is the best of the lot, but that’s like saying a mealworm tastes slightly better than a cockroach. Shame too, as the trackball itself feels like it could have been used for a solid golf game or even some shoot-em-ups.

But who was the Sports Pad for? The poor kid who had a Master System and liked sports games that were compatible with it, I suppose.

“Oh, but not that football game, kid. You gotta get the new Sports Pad-compatible football game. It’s exactly like the other football game you already own that you saved up all your money for, but this one lets you use your Sports Pad. Isn’t that great? You’re out 120 bucks and you feel hollow inside. The Sega difference.”